Yes, had number 7 today! (er....yesterday)

I did really well!!! I didn't have any serious allergic reactions which is great. With this new one they warn and make you sign a waiver as it can immediately effect your heart and ability to breath. Both situations they assure me since I'm right there at the hospital they would be able to help me through it. I say "oh, okay, thank you" as if they make me feel so much better!!! It's effective on my type cancer but it sure comes with the side effects.

I'm already to the point of vomiting. Time to start pouring on the anti nausea medications and pain medication. This medicine keeps sick to my stomach for a good week and at the end of the two weeks I'm still not ready to be able to say I feel good. The pain is so hard to describe---I hurt

Kelly ( oldest girl, 17 yrs old) went with my Mom and I to the treatment today. Since they are all out of school they all wanted to come but I said no. I'm easily there from 10:30 am to 5pm. Kelly came away feeling as tired and worn out as Mom and I usually do. She had a headache as well....I loved having her there today. She had never been there to see where I see the Oncologist and have Treatments so it was good for her to go see. It truly is exhausting and a wonderful comfort to have my Mom each time.

I plan to let the hospital know my suggestions......the center has no windows, there's no room for a friend or family member to sit next to you as you receive treatment, etc. The only way they can is if there aren't many patients that day and today we were lucky. An open chair (recliner like you would see in an old beauty shop) lined up on a long wall. So Kelly stayed back with me the majority of the time which was great. I'm not the best company during the treatment.....I get very anxious, I flush totally red, and my restless legs are awful until they give me ativan. Kelly was very supportive, talked with me, held my hand, shared her ipod, and overall gave me a comforting feeling. So that was very different and nice for todays treatment.

I gave it one more shot to let the doctor know I'm unsure I really need radiation. I threw a speech at him saying if nothing shows up in a scan once I'm done with chemo then I won't need the daily radiation for six weeks following. He very professionally told me all of the reasons I need it and the research to back up I'll have a better survival rate over the next five years. I have way to much they didn't see on a scan that they tried to get out and know they didn't get it all. I gave in and said ok,ok I'll do it. But I am not looking forward to it.

I'm so ready to be done with feeling miserable. Everybody and everything gets on my ever loving last nerve!! I'm tired, achy, exhausted, frustrated, annoyed, angry that I don't feel well, short of breath, rapid heart beat when I walk more that 25 feet, drink water, being told to eat everyday, no lifting, and I'm still expected to want to get out of bed, treat people nice, brush my teeth twice a day, put up with a bloated hard stomach the day of treatment and two to three days later until it returns to a normal tummy, burning running eyes, being told to stop chewing on my fingernails (I have very little left) and I want fake ones put on but one big thing with this particular treatment typically your finger nails get an infection and fall off or need taken off by a doctor.

OKAY---I'm really sick of hearing this!!! Buck up Angie!!!!

I'm done with Chemo mid July but I know I won't be "feeling back to normal" for quite some time and I'm looking forward to it. Mentally I'm struggling big time. I actually broke down crying for a few minutes in front of my doctor today. If I let myself go there I start saying "I'm ready to quit chemo". Chemo Brain as they call it is so unlike the quick thinking person I used to be. Nothing is normal anymore.

One of Sarah's 4-H projects is a now 900 pound steer. He got pink eye and has a wart under his eye. We have a vet coming tomorrow at two pm. I start the day back at the cancer center at 10am for a nuelasta shot to bump up my white cells. My red cells are down to 8 as well. I'm borderline still for needing blood and I asked to wait a few days....I'd love to get through this without receiving blood. Who knows maybe the vet can help me!!

I'm planning to spend next week at Virginia Beach if all goes well. We have a hotel on the beach and other family who live there and are less than a mile off the beach. There house is surrounded by a beautiful golf course and on an inlet so of course the view and boat access is wonderful. I'll have there to go when I need to and have my own room at bath. I'm looking forward to it. I rarely go anywhere. To church each Saturday or Sunday and to the Cancer Center each Tuesday. I still haven't been able to push myself to wear a wig. This is me right now. I'm much more at ease walking around with nothing on my head. Could be I have bald men envy.hahaha.....I love men who are losing/lost their hair.

I love hearing from you. I'm way behind on updating anyone so feel free to forward this if you will. I feel that I have neglected everyone and feel bad. I love you all and feel and know the support and prayers are working. Thank you.

love, Angie

PS.. Next time I write I'll try to be more positive. It's just my mental state has been my biggest challenge lately. No one could have explained to me it would be this hard...I miss you all.

June 1, 2009

I sat down to begin writing just before midnight on June 1st....I then got distracted, and it's now 12:59am June 2nd. Chemo-brain....distractions seem to know who we are with this infliction and attack us more often than the chemo free-brains out there..... Nothing to worry to seriously about....just an fyi/warning to help any friends with chemo in their future......just adjust your schedules to accommodate this. ;)

Can you believe it's been 4 months since I shared the diagnosis of breast cancer with you. I can't believe I wrote on May 14th and this is the first time I'm back to share, vent, relieve my brain of thoughts that some will care about, others won't, but I'm realizing this is more for me than anything. I am truly a private person in many ways. But I also admit my thoughts, feelings, and experiences will touch others in a way that may create change or simply offer a changeable moment. My hope is that some will take advantage of the spot that puts them in and make changes for the better. Whatever those changes, big or small.

For me, Cancer has made me redefine, or really define for the first time, many ideas, my faith, the virtues I was put on earth to embrace the most, people in my daily life, and me---Who I am, What I want, How I've done on this one journey I'm here for, and the relationships I have with the ones I love and God. Nothing has been more scary and yet comforting at the same time. I will continue to search for the words to explain as I continue to learn in hopes that others may receive just a spark to help them do the same.

It's difficult to share personal feelings through a time like this. The good things to remind myself ------I've been able to take treatments on schedule (every other week, allowing my blood to mend/build with that many days in between) Doctors worried I many need to spread it out further, but no! So far, I'm fighting that and winning.

Today (Tuesday at 11am) I go in for treatment number 6! In all honesty, I'm dreading it....dreading the medicine I take before leaving home, the drive there, leaving my mom's car as I enter the double automatic doors smiling the best I can while she says "you get out, I don't want you to drain your energy walking through that big parking lot!" Each time I smile and say "I love you Mom" ......through another set of doors, turn left, push the elevator button for "down"---yes, only two floors and they have to put us in the basement! no sun! think I've whined about that before.. ;) BUT during and after treatment my Mom will hang tough with me -----I will go watch Tommy play baseball at 6pm, congratulate Kelly on her official last day as a high school junior, and support Sarah as she continues to study for more exams later this week.....My three children are amazing. I'm so blessed.

It actually smells like a whole different world in the cancer care center. People never seem to realize the true effect of smells on sick people in particular. I'm also dreading the days that follow chemo. For this drug in particular (while different in comparison to my first four weeks,) the day following I'm still not comfortable in my own skin as the steroids continue to pump (oral meds), sleep is next to none. The following day you are sure you've been run over by a pavement roller on a highway. Everything hurts. My fingers swell twice their size for the first week and get red and shiny. I can tell you they are numb but I feel them tingle so I'm not sure that makes sense. My hands do not want to work and help me with anything! so annoying! Nausea is still huge problem. The med docs have a med to address all side effects but the reality is they simply bring on other nasty side effects. So it's a matter of choosing the lesser of evils. Given the "right mind" I'm continually in (hahaha) I'm hit an miss on that game.....I still insist on trying to control some things about this treatment. To be honest my success rate is slim. Which most of you KNOW I hate to admit because I'm used to working my darnest at finding the right answer, completing the work at the least expense of others and making it all work at whatever the cost!! (no, I'm not only talking about the bottom line here :) but in some cases that's all that matters-----the bottom line that is, Ralph was put in my life for a reason and Barb was the best communicator for him I've met!!) I miss them all.....

I am telling you there's no way to run the race with Cancer that way, and win as a current cancer patient. You are told you have cancer and Kbam!!! you are made to feel like from your medical doctors you have no control. BUT I do plan to make strides in that area......especially once I'm further along in this challenge.

All of which will make me stronger I realize.....but geeezzzz.......

Those battle tanks that enter my body on chemo drip days to do battle are very appreciated. I visualize them eating up cancer cells daily, turning them to dust, allowing me another chance.......I encourage them with all of the energy and thoughts I can muster which helps any feelings of anger I have.

What I do want to say is that through each and every one of those days, I continue to have Faith. Faith and prayer for Courage (Grace under Pressure) to face whatever each day brings. I know that I've been put on this earth with a journey of my own. I'm not ever comfortable I know what I need to do to fulfill the requirements, so I continue to work extra hard. The Future is today and tomorrow, not yesterday. I'm thankful my future comes one day at a time.

I'm thankful I have a friend that continues to pray for me and send me a card every week telling me I can do this--that I will make it through. I need to hear I can do it and I never close reading my card from him feeling any other way. I read them over and over at moments I need them most.

I'm thankful I have other family and friends who send cards, prayers and kind thoughts to give me strength and support.

I'm thankful for my co workers who are still there, carrying my load, and encourage me to come back to work to serve others through the work I do there... I'm thankful for the people with abilities not recognizable to some that look forward to my return to ResCare as their advocate, teacher, and friend........

I'm thankful for another special person who is teaching me about stress, exercise, nutrition, natural health and opening my eyes to all of this as a total picture---All of those topics are what brought me to where I am ,and it's also what can allow me a much longer and full life if I take advantage of it all. I intend too......

I will write and let you know how tomorrow goes....I know how busy all of your lives are and it makes me feel good to know that I have you to say daily prayers for me. I feel them and need you to know how important they are to me. You are all good people. Thank you for spending time on me.....your support will never be forgotten and will live on through my family and those I touch every day. I need them. Please know that you too are in my prayers daily that you may find the strength and courage to work through what you've been given.

Love to you all, Angie

Time to Celebrate

Half way done!!!! Yes ---4 treatments down and only 4 to go!! We won't even think about the daily radiation for 6 weeks following chemo..... (I don't want to bring anybody down at this time of celebration for me!!!!!) YEAH!!!! :)

I am ever more grateful for the prayers, and the kind thoughts and words I receive in support of me continuing to battle through chemo.......and a battle it is! Even being told/reading/the Internet education only partly prepared me for what this would be like. Each week more "side effects of treatment" are added to my reality, but my mind stands strong in knowing this is just what I need to go through at this point in my life. I'm determined to look back on this as a stronger being.

When I go for treatments it's almost like it's not really me I'm talking about when I answer all of the questions from the nurses and doctor. Not because I'm denying it's real, but because I'm being asked for every detail of my daily life and physical symptoms and I'm typically a very private person about myself. There's NOTHING private about having cancer.

I've been forced to open up and say things about myself and accept that if they aren't all positive--(such as nasty side effects I'm experiencing)---that I'm not complaining or whining (which I've tried never to do in my normal day to day life) . The medical people simply NEED to know to help me manage through this. I'm so amazed at the incredible nurses and my oncologist. He's awesome and sent to me straight from Angels watching over me.

I've come to realize that I'm NOT the only one with cancer-----anyone who loves and cares about me has it too. In the beginning I struggled with continually being asked "How are you doing?" but have realized that most of the time the person asking is simply saying "I care". So now when I am asked I'm at ease saying, "well, other than feeling sick to my stomach, feeling worn out even though I've done nothing physically challenging, the fact that I'm bald which causes me to be cold (when I'm never cold even in the winter time), and operating at the slowest pace I've ever done in my life, I'm great!"

I still haven't used a wig even though I've been given some awesome ones. My ball cap has served me well to date. I've even left the house without it (accidentally of course). I wear hoop earrings to make sure others know I'm a woman---I'm soooo good looking that I'm worried woman may mistake me as a darn good looking man and that would do nothing for my ego at this point! hahaha

I'm continually on a very strong antibiotic and potassium due to the depletion of white blood cells among others important parts to a nice looking blood work/lab report. When my numbers are at zero there's no where to go but up! The antibiotics have kept me out of the hospital so far by preventing any infection in my body. Of course work in my line of business is out altogether and my coworkers continue to carry my load with theirs until I return. I'm grateful....

I really am okay. This whole experience is just as much an infusion of wisdom as much as it is a blow to me physically. I'm going to come out on top with a whole lot more appreciation for what life is really about. I know that. But in the meantime, I sure could continue to use your prayers, kindness, and understanding when I melt down mentally (just momentarily so far!) and am unable to maintain the pace and presence I've always offered. I'll be missing special time with family this weekend and have been feeling a little sorry for myself today. I keep reminding myself that I will never be the old me. I'll be better.

my love and appreciation to you all, Angie